When I left, Eva was feeling reassured. I wasn’t feeling all that great though. I was kind of stunned and it’s hard to put it into words, but kind of like, what the hell happened and am I normal or a freak. Surprised that I didn’t get hit by a car on my way home. I was feeling kind of why me! what did I do to deserve this!!
I sat on the steps to our apartment building and I asked, no actually demanded God give me an answer! Nothing came to me. I was feeling pretty confused. My neighbor had a cat that loved to sit in the window and look out. Pretty little Siamese name CeCe. She was asking me what was wrong. I told her and she said, “you humans make everything so complicated and just plain hard!” “If it’s too much and you don’t understand it, just don’t do it, put it away until you can deal with it”. Not only pretty, smart too!!
I went upstairs to my room and put the Beatles album on my stereo! “it’s a hard days night” My mom kept asking what was wrong! I kept saying nothing and leave me alone.
You may have noticed I have not mentioned my father. I did have one. He drank a lot as much as he could and as often as he could. My mother didn’t drink and as I may have mentioned attended a baptist church as often as she could and she took me along with her. odd couple indeed.
My father, he was in the army at one time, and they nick named him “watermelon Jones”. I assume this meant he loved watermelon. Probably filled them up with beer or whatever. Can just see him wearing a watermelon rind on his head. Drunk expression on his face.
Memories of my childhood are spotty. Missing chunks of time. I started to sleep with mother at night on her arm was the only place I felt safe. Like she could protect me. This was when I was very young, maybe 6 or 7. When I slept in my own room, my father would come in, and I would hide. I always knew when he was on his way. He worked different night shifts. When he got off at midnight was when he came into my room. I hid under the bed. He was usually drunk so he mostly didn’t find me. Mostly.
I started having nightmares and panic attacks. I also started to sleep walk. we lived on the third floor so it’s a wonder I didn’t kill myself. I would wake up at night and see gray shapes in the dark that scared me half to death. I would pace the room crying, my poor mother didn’t know what to do with me. I wasn’t sleeping very well, sometimes not at all.
One night I was walking and hyperventilating when one of the gray shapes started to take shape and I almost swallowed my tongue when the shape turned into a woman. she was pretty even though she was gray. That’s when my mom walked into the room and I almost yelled at her, and pointing I asked her “do you see her, do you see that gray woman?” My mom said, no I don’t see her and she turned on the light. I thought the woman would disappear. She didn’t and in the bright light of the room she was dressed in a brown fringed dress, and had moccasins on her feet. She was really pretty and had long black hair in two long pigtails. Her eyes were black and bright. as soon as I saw her in the light and she smiled at me, a sense of peace and calm washed over me. My mom grabbed me and said “Patsy what in the world is wrong with you” She said she thought I was going to faint and that a weird smile was on my face. I didn’t say a word, just walked over to the bed and got in it. My mother was amazed that I was instantly asleep, still smiling. Mom told me she stayed for a while to make sure I was o.k turned out the light and went to bed.
I was dreaming! Dreaming of fire and people dancing around it. I was dancing too. We were all chanting things I didn’t understand. I could smell the fire and i could feel earth under my feet. I was dressed like my lady. We were all barefoot and I could feel a strong connection to the earth. I felt a sense of euphoria, but then I woke up. I felt my father heading my way! I was panicking as I struggled to get up, but I couldn’t move,I can still feel the tears on my face. The lady was standing by my door and I felt my fathers confusion as he walked away!
I was dreaming! I was outside, it was daytime, and it was a gray day and drizzling. funny, I didn’t mind the rain. I was walking barefoot in sweet smelling grass. I couldn’t see in front of me. A wet fog came quickly out of no where. I was starting to panic and then I felt someone take my hand and I calmed. when I calmed the fog dissipated and the sun broke through the clouds. I was in a beautiful meadow with flowers and when I looked up I could see majestic mountains. I knew I was in a sacred place. I looked to see who’s hand I was holding and it was my lady. She was smiling and her eyes were shining. We were dressed alike in the brown fringed dress. we were both barefoot and I felt my connection to the earth.
all the time I knew my lady she never spoke to me, I just always knew what she wanted to tell me. She was there as my guide and to protect me through the rest of my child hood. I understood she couldn’t contact me until I had my first experience with reading for someone else. Jose was the reason she could contact me now. She had watched helplessly all those nights my father found me. She was unable to help me then, but now she could, and would and she did.
When I woke up, I was a little confused and wasn’t sure if I was dreaming last night or was I still dreaming? My mother knocked on the door and told me to get ready for school, so that takes care of that! I’m awake! My lady was sitting on my bed smiling at me. I asked her, “can you go to school with me and protect me from myself as well as others?” She gave me a look and I know it meant, no!
I knew I couldn’t be popular! I was chunky, wore glasses and wasn’t super smart, so I decided to be bad, and unfortunately the only bad kids I fit with were more nerdy than bad, The really bad kids were scary, and none of them wanted anything to do with us anyway. Being “bad” to us was cutting classes and making out behind the doors leading to the boys locker rooms. There I was after last class making out with Rubin when I open my eyes for some unexplained reason and saw my lady looking at me. I almost swallowed my tongue! Why does she have that effect on me? I pulled away and straightened my clothes and told Rubin I had to get home. He was upset, but I felt like I had been caught naked in the middle of the street by my mother. My lady didn’t disapprove, she just looked at me and smiled. I ran home.
I was dreaming!