To start, I’d like to say that a person made a comment to me that she could not read my last post because of the “sexual” content, and for that I am sorry. However this is my life I am writing about and these stories are what made me who I am today. I didn’t think the contents of my post was sexual, but rather sensual. It was the story of a young girls first “awakening”. With this in mind, I will continue.
while in the car with my sister driving and my mother holding on to my arm, I was looking out the window and wondering, “Oh Joe, where are you?” With tears and the terrible anguish of a teenager. I looked over at my mother, and she looked angry, but there were tears on her cheeks and she looked kind of looked old to me. I tried not to think or care.
We arrived home and my mother made me go to my room. I fell into my bed and the tears fell. I felt anguish, shame, frustration and guilt. These emotions were washing over me like the angry sea at night! I heard a noise and I looked across the room and there was Anu standing in the shadows. I called softly “Anu” and she came padding lightly to my bed. Anu settled lightly on the bed and into my arms, she felt so solid and real, her fur soft. I lay my head on her shoulder and cried myself to sleep.
I was dreaming! I was in a clearing with a lovely stream, clear water running through it. I was sitting next to the stream on a bed of moss. Anu sat beside me, and it was so peaceful. I was drousing listening to the soft buzzing of bees and the birds singing. I was stroking Anu’s soft fur. In the distance I saw a figure walking towards me. I felt no fear, just pleasant and content. When I saw him as he got closer I started to get worried.
“Anu, is that Jesus? Has he come to send me to hell?” he had long hair, a weathered darker complected face. he also had a long beard and white robes and sandals. Anu laughed, ( Ever hear a panther laugh?, it’s kind of scary) ” This man is not the biblical Jesus! he is a new guide to help you find your way”. I was worried that Anu would leave me but he said no. The man said my name is Eli, and I woke up.
Anu was there and so was Eli. He was looking at my record player and smiling. Just then my mother barged into the room. She didn’t see Eli or Anu, She said, “It’s Sunday morning and you are going to church whether you like it or not, if anyone needs it, you do”. She looked so angry and Eli pointed out after she left that she had a right to be angry. he told me how she didn’t sleep, worried that someone had killed me. Eli painted a picture for me of my mother’s own anguish. I was very ashamed. At breakfast I cried and my mother cried and I promised her I would never run away again. I really meant it too.
In Church I listened to the preachers sermon and sang along with every one else, After church, the pastors nephew Timmy came up to me and asked me if he could come over and take me to lunch. he was cute, my age and very sweet. I agreed and I meant it when I said I liked him. I really meant it too
Timmy picked me up a little early a couple of days later, well, he was walking. he didn’t have a car, being 16 also. He gave me a pretty red rose he he picked for me on his way over. I pricked my finger on it and bled. My mother made a big deal out of it and washed it, put a band aid on it, and I watched her fussing over me, I felt a wave of love that almost knocked me over. Do you believe in Omens? I do now. Before we left I said “I love you, mom”! She looked surprised. I saw Eli looking at me with a strange look in his eyes.
We went to a neighborhood restaurant, and it was empty. I couldn’t believe it, since it was noon. We sat down and ordered. We were drinking our cokes, eating our burgers and chatting about school. Timmy looked up and looked a little scared.
I looked up and there was Joe! he was standing over us and he was holding a gun. I was scared too. Joe said, ” I believe you are sitting here with my woman!” I remember thinking, oh boy, how dramatic! Timmy looked shocked. I was shocked too. Funny, the restaurant owner was no where to be seen. No other people in the place. Joe pulled me up, and he said, “do you want to go with me?” I nodded and we ran out of the restaurant. there was a car waiting outside with a blonde woman at the wheel. Joe introduced her as his sister, Elise.
Elise drove us to their house. Joe’s mother was at home, his father was on a business trip. I felt like I was in a dream. I guess this is how I rationalized what I was doing. Joe’s mother was very nice to me. Elise worked at one of her uncles night clubs as a go go dancer. She was beautiful. Oh yes, the gun was a toy and the restaurant owner was a friend of Joe’s uncle. We were there a few days, I tried not to think about my mother. Every once in a while I saw Eli giving me a stern look. I was riddled with guilt yet being stubborn. At night Anu laid against my back. One morning I heard Joe and his mother arguing in Italian.
Joe told me his father was returning from his business trip that day and his mother didn’t want his father to find a 16 year old runaway who wasn’t even Italian in the house. We left and went to a hotel that his uncle owned. Joe left and went to look for a regular job, that’s what he told me. Meantime I was sick. I was nauseous, throwing up every morning and starving the rest of the day. I had no idea what was wrong. I thought I had the flu! Dumb bunny!
One afternoon, someone knocked on the door. I thought it was Elise who came by regularly to talk. We got along pretty well. I could even wear her clothes. I asked who’s there? Well, I’ll tell you it wasn’t Elise. A deep man’s voice said, “This is the FBI, mam, open the door!”
I stood rooted to the floor, I just couldn’t move. The only thought that went through my mind, was, The jig is up! Trite! Yes, it was but I was in shock! The door opened and a nice looking man in a black suit stood there. I looked down and I thought, Cop shoes! I know, I watched too much t.v. He took my arm and said please come with me. I looked for handcuffs, wondering if he was going to put them on me. I still had not said a word. He told the other man, “she looks pale, do you think she is alright?” I finally said something! “bathroom!” They let me go to the bathroom and I threw up over and over.
Finally when it was over they put me in the backseat of their car. Took me to a building and had me sit in the hallway with a woman sitting next to me. The door opened and my mother and sister came in. Both wearing their angry faces, me wearing my ashamed face. They took me home, but I had to make an appearance in court the next week. My mother took me to the doctor. I wasn’t allowed to go anywhere alone. I didn’t think or speak.
I was terrified in court. My mother told me the judge might put me in the Audie home, which was a home for juvenile offenders. The judge asked me if I was sorry. I tried to speak, but couldn’t get anything out. I was too scared. The judge said I could go home to the custody of my mother. He said being pregnant was punishment enough!
Pregnant! What the hell? I thought to myself, how can you be so stupid not to know you are pregnant! As we left the courthouse, I saw Joe. He looked shocked and angry! My mother would not let me anywhere near him. All I could think was Oh Joe, what now?
next week….Oh God no!