God, where are you?

I was wondering if I should continue to write about myself!   Am I boring? Feedback please?  My counselor says that writing about my life right now is cathartic.  Anu growled and then slurped my face. Sweet Kisses!   Anu said to have courage. She is with me.  I found a great quote from Matthew Quick’s book.

You’re different. And I am different too. Different is good. But different is hard. Believe me, I know!

I think I left off at being pregnant. I hated it! The nausea, the vomiting. Starving and most of all the alien little being invading my body. Yes, yes, I know! Giving birth is a blessing and so are sweet little babies.  Not for me!

I would have to give my little blessing away. This was the 60″s. Unmarried teenage girls did not keep their little bundle of joy.  There were several unwed mother’s homes.

Girls went there as soon as they started showing and gave birth there and the sweet little babies went to adoption by two parents to love them and raise them as their own.

I was scheduled to go to the Clara Boothe home as soon as I started showing.

Meanwhile I was riddled with guilt. I went to church and prayed for forgiveness for my sins. I was convinced I was going to hell. I had nightmares about burning in hell fire, while my mother and sister looked down at me from heaven and shook their fingers at me.  I could see in their faces that I was getting what I deserved.

Anu would wake me gently by purring in my ear, while Eli banished the fire. there were lessons to be learned I knew that I was learning them. I really did.

The day finally came and I was bundled off to Clara Boothe’s. It was a beautiful building. A refuge for those of us with no where else to hide.  It was very comfortable. I was in a dorm style room with 5 other preggo’s. That’s what we laughingly called ourselves.  Ha,ha!

I attended 2 classes a day. English and math. The dining room was really nice and the food was excellent. 3 or 4 snacks a day were provided. Relatives could bring in food that was diet approved. There was exercise class that was easy and fun too.   Most of the girls worked on hooking rugs. I enjoyed it. Kept us occupied.

Twice a week we walked over to the rug store a few blocks down. I carried my bible with me every where I went. Some girls carried dolls around. There were girls that were 13, 14, 15 and older in there.  A lot of the girls cried all the time. Not me, I only cried at night into Anu’s fur.  Yes, it was a sad place, but also a  place where we  took care of each other.

When each girl went to the hospital ward to have her baby, we walked her there, walked the hallway with her. We cheered when her baby came out healthy and cheered even harder when she finally went home. Empty hands and empty heart. Yes, we cheered but we also envied her going home with her parents.Most girls gave their babies up for adoption. A few didn’t. The girls that went to stay with distant relatives or suddenly acquired a baby sister or brother.

Parents were not allowed on the hospital ward when their daughters were giving birth. They were informed that it was about to take place with a phone call and could see their daughters the next day.

My turn came late at night. 2 other girls walked the halls with me. They agonized with me, cried with me, and I was so grateful for them.  Finally, I went into my room, just couldn’t walk any more. Nurse checked me and declared I was “ready”!  sat me in a wheel chair and rolled me into the delivery room. I laid down on a cold steel table, feet up in stirrups. I was freezing cold, then I realized I was shaking so hard, the nurse kept saying, ” It’s ok honey, won’t be long now”.  “calm down”.  I was hurting so bad. The doctor gave me an injection called an epidural. supposed to keep it from hurting. Yeah, right!  Ha!

Nurse kept telling me, “push!” “push” Got to get that child out”. I was dying, I just knew it!  Praying over and over, help me God!  Please don’t let me die! I didn’t know I was praying out loud until I hard the nurse laughing and she said, “you’re not dying honey, It just hurts like hell” She was sure right. Then It was over.

I heard a baby cry, and the nurse said, “oh, it’s boy!”  I tried to see, but they wouldn’t let me, Nurse said, it’s easier this way.  Easier for who?  I was wheeled on the table into a room where I was helped into a bed. I was to stay there over night.  looking at my flat stomach was strange. I lived with a big belly and kicks and full bladder for a long time.

I slept well, in spite of being sore and the nurse checking me all night. The next morning a new nurse came into the room, and she asked me if I’d like to see my baby! I said yes! She wheeled me into a room and a rolling cradle was wheeled in. The nurse picked him up and put him in my arms. He was so perfect. Such a tiny mite. black hair and darker skin tone. The Italian I expect.  I was in awe of this perfect creature. he curled his hand around my finger. his little rosebud mouth started to make sucking sounds. My breast ached.

The door opened and a different nurse rushed in. She said” Oh my, this is a mistake, yes, it is, you are not one of the mommy’s who are keeping their babies”.  She leaned in to take him from me, and I guess she saw the tears on my face, because she said ” Child, please it is not good for you to hold him long. ” She put him back in his rolling cradle and he began to cry and my heart broke.

I was taken back to my room that evening. My room mates were asleep. I cried myself to sleep with Anu in my arms.

I was dreaming!   I was sitting in the grass with my baby in my arms. Anu sat next to me humming to my little one. I was so happy!  A man wearing long white robes, dark complected, long brown hair and soft brown eyes walked towards me. I was confused a bit. he looked like Eli, but he didn’t look like Eli. He smiled at me and I knew! This man was not Eli!

He said, I have heard all your prayers and I want you to know that everything that has happened and will happen is meant to be. I noticed that all around him were lions, bears, tigers, birds, rabbits and all together. Anu was now sitting next to him. I said are you Jesus?

I said why can’t I keep my son. He asked if I could take care of him? I told him that my mother would help. Jesus shook his head and said, you’re mother will have her own cross to bear. She will need you. This sweet child needs a mother and father to raise him and love him. In the distance I saw a man and a woman looking into a basket with bright smiles on their faces.  A nurse appeared and took my child out of my unresisting  arms.

Jesus said to me, don’t worry, I am always with you. There is a plan for your life. he turned and walked away. I woke up.

The next day I went home. I wasn’t sure what to do. I cried a lot.  I got a job in a factory. It wasn’t a very good job, but it kept me busy. My mother had always had problems with constipation. She had been constipated for a couple weeks. My sister and dad finally talked her into going to the doctor. After numerous test it was determined that my mother had a blockage.

She was talked into having an operation. The doctors said she had a tumor the size of a grapefruit blocking her colon. It was removed, but it was too late. My mother had colon cancer, and it was spreading.  I remembered Jesus words about my mother having her cross to bear. I was terrified.

Tennessee.

 

 

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About cattmysticwomon

I am an animal communicator. I talk to animals here and in spirit. I am a spiritualist minister and I am psychic and very intuitive. Animals are very much part of my spirit soul as well as my everyday life. I believe animals are Gods angels sent here to be our guides and helpers through out our lives.
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2 Responses to God, where are you?

  1. Carole Cameron-Johnesse says:

    What a heartbreaking experience for you to go thru…im so sorry that you had yo to give up your baby….praying!

  2. Carole Cameron-Johnesse says:

    OMG Pat…I had no idea that you were an unwed mom back in the 60’s…much less had to give your baby up….and I can’t even begin to imagine the heartbreak that must have caused you…but I hope it helped that you had Anu and the dream to give you some small measure of comfort.
    Looking forward to next week! My feedback is that I am really enjoying your subject matter and that I agree with your therapist…it is very healing to write or journal.

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